Roses and Dates

Grace

2009-12-31T00:30:00.001+08:00

"And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

1 Corinthians 11:13

Had dinner with Bianche today. It was much needed, so that I could tell her all about it, and she could tell me all about it, and after that we both felt happy. We're so blessed to have found each other.

Things are so much clearer now that I've thought them through. I don't want to carry any excess baggage into the new year. I'm glad I can put it all down by God's grace and find a form of closure once and for all.

Happy new year in advance :)

Spectacle

2009-12-28T23:05:00.004+08:00

I feel like a spectator looking on from the watch stands. Not being a part of this - what should I call it - this performance. I'm merely observing, wondering, sometimes longing to be part of it but catching myself in time to know that this isn't where I should stay.

If I could use an analogy, albeit a bad one, you would be a small cake and everyone seems to want a slice of you so that there's nothing left for me, which is, well, good.

In fact I find it highly ironic that what I wished for when I was sixteen is happening now when I cannot want it anymore. Evidently, the things you want when you're eighteen and sixteen are vastly different, though some may remain the same. Yet this is the thing that has to change. In a way, I'm strangely glad it did, although to be truthful, the feelings are always mixed with that familiar tinge of well, sadness.

2009-12-25T15:07:00.002+08:00

This post is for Cat, since she asked :)

It's Christmas :D It doesn't feel very Christmasy this year since I was away only until Christmas Eve, and the build-up of the Christmas mood didn't really catch up to me.

Anyway I just came back from a two-week holiday in Europe and Dubai. It's incredible just thinking that I was in Dubai just yesterday. Just two nights ago I was in the desert in Dubai, riding a camel. It sounds like a joke but it's true. The desert had the perfect temperature I must say, because it was winter and when I was there it was in the evening, and the temperature was falling to a nice below 20s I think. We had the bumpy four-wheel drive through the sand dunes, it was the most thrilling part of the trip because all of us, including the guys, were screaming and laughing as we plunged down from high sand dunes and watched cars dropping downwards in front of us, since some of the slopes were pretty steep. Only my mum didn't enjoy it because it was rather frightening for her.

Then there was the pretty cool dinner after wards, also in the desert, in the open, where we set on cushions on the sand and ate Middle Eastern food. The food wasn't spectacular, but the ambience was extremely cool. I'll upload the photos on facebook when I've developed them.

Europe and Switzerland were not bad as well. Although the cold was insufferable and terrible. It was especially so in Switzerland when we were on the mountain-top in Jungfrau, and it was negative twenty-something degrees. It was crazy. My toes hurt so much I teared, I felt like they were going to fall off even though they were supposed to be warmed by my woolen socks and my boots. However, I then got pleasantly distracted by this poor baby in the pram who was crying from the cold as well. I started making ridiculous faces at her, and when she smiled I smiled and I didn't feel cold anymore :) I was however, very short of oxygen and felt suffocated, while some people suffered from altitude sickness. I went there two years ago and felt the same thing. It felt worse this time when I went up the mountain though.

In Rome and Paris we looked at many buildings and churches, and it can get rather boring when you keep going to so many. There was the pretty Eiffel Tower in Paris though, which always makes one's heart leap a little since it's rather breathtaking. Venice was one of the best, I love it! The scenary and everything. It was amazing. The only sad thing was that it was really apparent that it was sinking, because there are huge puddles of water even on the dry land. The houses are mostly vacant, since I guess most people have evacuated. We went to Milan as well, and I actually thought of The Tempest and the references to the real world like Milan and Naples. -.- It felt rather cool though, that I was actually going to the places in my Lit text.

There are plenty, plenty of photos which I will upload one day and I'm excited to see them developed. There are so many more details of the trip that I have not mentioned, because I think I would be writing a mini book if I did pen it all down. I'll end with a favourite line from the book I'm reading now, A Thousand Splendid Suns, which contain some of the most poignant lines which will tug at your heartstrings and unlock your tear ducts in an instant. In fact, I was so overwhelmed when I was reading it on the plane that I had to put the book down, breathe and take a break. Seriously.

Like an art lover running out of a burning museum, she would grab whatever she could - a look, a whisper, a moan - to salvage from perishing, to preserve. But time is the most unforgiving of fires, and she couldn't in the end, save it all.

2009-11-21T02:15:00.001+08:00

It's five minutes before 2 am now.

There are many things that I find incredible right now. One, I have never stayed up so late because I'd like to have enough energy to study the next day, and I tend to feel sleepy very quickly when I'm studying because it is incredibly boring. Two, it has been half a year since I last blogged. Three, I am actually blogging, and you have no idea how many times I've envisioned this in my head : Blogging about how A-levels have been, because it's over. (Okay not yet technically, but I count it as it has)

"...Maybe because I've made a resolution to study hard, and I want to keep to it. I will succeed in becoming a studious nerd this year. "

20 January 2009

I've actually stuck to my resolution for almost a year, I've never been so determined about something for so long. It's been a most torturous year, especially the second half of it when I stopped blogging. I have never studied so much in my life, read the same notes over and over, regurgitated the same old things so many times. I hope I will never have to study like this anymore. I hate studying to its very core. You cannot imagine the immense hatred I have for it now. It is perhaps okay when you do it once, with new information, but after repeatedly studying the same boring, meaningless things over and over you get extremely sick of it. I feel like this has been the year where I've pushed myself to my limits, at times beyond, and this was made possible because God freely gave me wisdom, just like how He promised He would if I asked.

There are so many things that I want to say right now. For example, I do not have to drink coffee anymore. I've been relying on it quite abit, drinking it like it's a necessity if not I cannot seem to study.

However, there are more pressing matters at hand like sleep. So I shall continue another time. :)

2009-06-07T00:22:00.001+08:00

I hate to know how life is so fragile, but at the same time, the way God works always surprises me. I truly freaked out when I heard about Aloysius, I was so scared. Then again, in my fear and panic, I neglected how God was there protecting him and seeing him through all of that. It's like God cares about him so much more than any of us does, I don't know why I couldn't see it at that point. Actually I know why, I was too blinded by fear and worry (and I imagined the worst that could happen). I cannot imagine if the person getting hit was Angmian, Catherine, Bianche, or Vivian or anyone else for that matter. When I say I couldn't imagine, I really mean it. I can't even describe what my reactions would be.

Then when I went to the hospital to see him, all those fears dissipated instantly.

I'm so glad our God is so, so good. I cannot even put His goodness in words!

2009-05-21T22:30:00.001+08:00

It's been almost two months since I last blogged, it's incredible. I'm only doing this for the sake of Angmian and Vivian Choy, if not they may skin me alive tomorrow.

I tend to lose interest in things rather quickly. Blogging has been something that I continued for quite a long time, and then I decided not to do it anymore. It's as if in many aspects of my life there needs to be variety and change if not I'll get tired of it. And this trait has stuck with me since I was very young?

I know I'm playing cheat but, see I updated! I'm going to sleep now :D

2009-03-28T23:20:00.001+08:00

I know I should be sleeping now, considering that I've to be in church by eight tomorrow morning and I've to perform twice. But I need to blog, it's been (almost literally) eons since I've indulged in this. Can you believe, that I even consider blogging an indulgence? I'm quite amazed.

March common tests are over. I needed to say that. The Chinese Lit paper was the most awful thing ever, it's like drinking spoilt milk - okay forget it, I wanted to think of a proper metaphor for it but it's too late at night to bother. I will not waste my time writing about the exams and on using literary devices to describe the torture we've been through.

I need to add though, that God's goodness truly saw me through the whole week. I could feel His presence during the papers, that He was there with me. It made things alot better, because it took away my fears. There were many times during the week that I just went into a tyrate like, God, I CANNOT FREAKING DO THIS. It's beyond me, please take control instead. He always did, and things would be much better after that.

Anyway, I went to Yum Cha for breakfast with Mummy and Daddy today! :D It was awesome, the food. What a breather it was after the dreaded week. Oh and, I watched Confessions of a Shopaholic last night. (as you can see my thoughts are very disorganized and they have no sense of chronology) IT WAS TERRIFIC! It was so hilarious I couldn't stop laughing, and again it was the whole fairytale ending that gave it its appeal.

I'm very attracted to fairytale endings.

During cell group today, I laughed so hard that my cheek muscles ached. It was extremely amusing hearing Xiang read out all our strange poems. IT WAS SO FUNNY. I cannot use any other adjective to describe it.

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,

I have too many thoughts that I don't want to pen them down so I'll forget it. I'm so strange.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow :) It'll be an awesome day with great company :)

2009-03-11T19:09:00.001+08:00

I'm very upset. :(

Tracy, my turtle pouch is missing, perhaps trampled on by various people in a muddy area or abused and neglected by a horrible person. :( To make things worse, my ez-link card and my IC are both in the pouch.

I'm feeling more unsettled with every day that passes, I need to report the loss soon. I'm thinking of going to ICA tomorrow morning and get it done and over with, because if not the only time I can go would be next monday. I don't want to drag it anymore. :(

And Tracy, I'm really sorry for not bothering to bathe you when you were still with me, always assuming that there will always be another day, another chance. I know this sounds juvenile, but she has been with me for a long time.

:(

2009-03-04T18:59:00.002+08:00

"You're my exception."

He's Just Not That Into You

I melted in my seat there and then. I'm such an idealist and romantic when it comes to love that my mum warned me not to allow my notion of love to become bigger than the person in the future. I'm in danger of doing that, I know. Then again it's a pact I've made with myself to not settle for anything less than head-over-heels-in-love, love. Isn't every girl allowed to dream? Then again, I'm so stubbornly idealistic that I'm very insistent on making my dreams materialize.

She was rather shocked when I explained to her my whole notion of love, when I say things like, "Mummy, I'm sure when you meet the love of your life you just know it. You never want to spend the rest of your life with anyone else except him, and growing old together is the best thing that will ever happen to you."

She tried to tell me again not to blow up my notion too much, but then I was too horrified by her realism that I didn't really take it in. It happens to me sometimes. I automatically reject realism.

Anyway, I'm very upset. My dad's arm is injured and out of my horror and anger at his carelessness, I slapped his other arm while he narrated to me what happened. He was rather amused and surprised at the same time. I hate to see him hurt! It's just like how he hates to see me sick. I couldn't help it and reprimanded him.

It will be a long time again before I blog. Oh well, bye :)

2009-02-11T23:16:00.002+08:00

I've not been blogging for an unusually long time. Right now I feel like I have tons of thoughts in my head that I need to pen down.

If I ever get to where I want to be in the future, I hope I won't forget I once thought it very daunting to reach there. I don't want to brush the hard work off and say it was a piece of cake, and then take it forgranted. But that is if I ever get there, and if that is where God wants me to be. Strangely, I haven't asked Him about it yet. Perhaps it's because I'm half-afraid it is not what He has in store for me. That the truth would be I'm actually not cut out for it and I won't be happy. I really don't know.

Will I deviate sometime next year, and decide on another course and faculty? That will disappoint me, perhaps not the me then but now. I'm not making sense am i?

This is a fraction of what is on my mind, and I'll go off now.

Argh road run on Friday, when I felt it was all good to have lunch with my sister then catch Benjamin Button. I can't help but cringe at the thought of having to spend my late afternoon running when I don't want to. :(

2009-01-20T19:21:00.003+08:00

People nowadays are commenting on how Cat and I look alike. I'm flattered.

That's all I have to say for today. I'm very lazy to blog this year, maybe because I've made a resolution to study hard, and I want to keep to it. I will succeed in becoming a studious nerd this year. I will (with God's help). Okay take away the nerd part, just studious. I will be like the snail who truly crawled with all its might until it reached Noah's Ark. I wish I could give it a pat on its ~~back~~ shell. I will learn from the determined snail.

2009-01-14T20:55:00.002+08:00

This post is for Marshmallow and Vivian. (Since Marsh reprimanded me today when I went against my word and didn't blog yesterday)

Anyway, today, Angmian/Marshmallow was eating her sweet during Lit when it fell out of her mouth when she was talking. Vivian and I found it quite amusing. I said I'd blog about it.

Today, I ate this very delicious chocolate muffin that Cat and Dawn baked. It made me happy after Econs lecture. :D

I'm a Navigator for Go Green Day. It was very funny the first time I heard about it, because I thought the whole world ought to know about my poor sense of direction. It turns out that unknowingly, people actually do believe in my sense of direction :D Okay maybe not. But I'm glad Cat's with me if not I may really direct the truck driver to a secluded area where there are no old clothes or newspapers to collect and everyone will really hate me. :(

I'm amazed how alike Cat and I think. It's very comforting to know how someone shares all my sentiments on that issue and we both have the same bag. I know there's no link, I just had to mention the bag.

Okay I'll go off now, byebye :D

2009-01-09T23:14:00.003+08:00

HELLO! (:

I haven't blogged in eons, I know. I don't who that enthusiastic Hello is for, probably Angmian, Vivian (who showed me that I haven't blogged for awhile), Bear (do you still come here?), Cat, Zhipeng (who is in army now so he'll only see this post two weeks later) and anyone who reads this blog that I don't know of.

Anyway, tons of things have happened since the last time I blogged almost a month ago. I won't go on about them because there so many things to talk about! I'll just fast forward to today :D

Went to the hairdresser to dye my hair just now. It was a sudden decision because I walked past the salon and it was still open. The hairstylist did temporary curls for me :D I'm quite happy. I look alot older though. But (like Rachel Pink) I've always wanted curls! I've decided not to cut my hair so that it'll be really long by the time I graduate from TJ and then I can do permanent curls. It's quite an amazing feeling because the curls look like they have a life of their own. They bounce and are actually rather cute! I'm talking about them as though they are little children. I tend to do that to quite a few things recently. I keep thinking of Lijia when I'm typing this. I think it's because of her signature permed hair.

Went to Vivian's house in the afternoon to discuss the Econs project, we managed to finish two (I'll count it as two :D) Econs essay plans though we talked alot. Great catching up though :D With cheeseballs and oreos.

In the afternoon I had lunch with Mummy at Raffles City :) Had good crepes and a nice ice-cream-with-brownie dessert that we shared. I waited for her awhile at Starbucks first because she had a meeting before lunch. I started to read xue shan fei hu while sipping frappucino so it was quite relaxing. Didn't make me feel like I was doing school work at all. If everyday could be like this...

I'll go off now, bye :]

2008-12-19T01:15:00.000+08:00

The rehearsal was good just now :] At first I thought Jon wouldn't be able to make it because according to Yongliang he was sick, haha, and I would be left sadly without a partner. But he appeared and I was relieved! He has been an extremely loyal ~~patron~~ partner and has not skipped a single rehearsal as far as I've remembered so I've always been happily (I think) dancing with a partner. :D

Anyway I FORGOT TO BRING MY PHONE TODAY. Argh. I left it on the sofa and it was buried under the cushions. I realised it when I was at the bus stop opposite my house but I didn't want to walk back home since the sun was especially scorching today. I reached church to sew the flags without a phone, and being very unable to contact Bear, I approached random people to borrow a phone. In the end I found Abigail and she took Yongliang's phone and passed it to me! I also started randomly calling other people besides Bear, because I couldn't get her at first. Good thing he didn't mind. :D

Anyway I could stay throughout the whole rehearsal today and not have to leave like before 10.30. My phone wasn't with me so I didn't really have to worry about Daddy calling me. Opps. Jeremy was really nice to give me a ride home! I didn't have to spend on a taxi then. Before we left they told me to be careful and I saw Jon mouthing 'good luck' when we drove off (HAHA). I told Evelyn I would poke Jeremy with needles and pins in case of emergency (since I brought plenty for the sewing in the afternoon) because I didn't have my phone with me to call for help. HAHA.

In the future when I learn to drive I'll offer to send people home too. I think it's a very nice thing to do :)

Shall go to sleep now. Night!

2008-12-17T16:26:00.001+08:00

I yelped and screamed like a insert-noisiest-animal-ever-existed just a few minutes ago because Daddy insisted on rubbing my bruise, again. I even resorted to violence and started hitting him. He found it very amusing though.

Strangely every time he rubs my bruise I think of Vivian's past bruise(s). I realise how difficult it is to rub your own bruise because as for me, I would conveniently choose to forget about it and so did Vivian. Anyway, my dad apparently finds me especially entertaining when I'm screaming in this way and he rubs with greater force, insisting that this is how the ointment can treat my bruise.

Bruise, please disappear soon, or at least don't look so irksome as you do now so that my dad wouldn't want to get rid of you so much.

A few days ago I had a long talk with Bianche over the phone about something we have been discussing for a very long time. It dates back to when we were only 11. It feels very much like a worn topic. I hope it's only a matter of time before I forget again and live happily in denial until after awhile denial becomes truth and I would be much better off like that (I think). Anyway it's not as though I've not been through this before, in fact, I've been through it more than a few times. Feels like a cycle. I wonder why Bianche isn't tired of listening to this same thing over, and over again. But she said it's different now.

I do hope it's truly different this time (if not it'd feel like I'm back to square one).

Going to meet Rachelpink and Jiaxin later to get our Japanese schoolgirl/boy clothes! :)

2008-12-15T17:19:00.004+08:00

My dad forced his way to the mouse to attempt to delete all my 2704 email messages just now. It was quite hilarious. I was finally doing it slowly, on my own, under his supervision (he has been telling me to do it since eons ago) looking through to see if there were any important or special messages that I wanted to keep. But he claimed that I was a slowcoach, so he started rapidly deleting everything. I panicked during the first few minutes, after which I realised that they were all safely kept in the Deleted folder that I could go check again when he left.

He realised it too, almost at the same time, but after much screeching and screaming on my part, he decided to leave that folder alone. My sister entered the room after that and said she heard a monkey making alot of noise.

He said if I didn't get rid of almost all my messages when he got home, he was going to hammer the bruise on my knee :(

I was actually showing him the bruise which looked rather bad, the one that I got when I fell down at East Coast Park the other day while cycling. I kind of half-somersaulted over my bicycle when I braked in an embarrassing manner, with Ming da shouting in shock, "EH EH EH" behind me. The rest turned back and asked me if I was okay but I was actually busy wearing my shoe instead of looking at where I got hurt, because I kind of found it very embarrasing to be seen with one barefoot, I don't know why. The bruise didn't suffice until the next day, and I always knew I could show it to my dad to receive the right sympathetic reaction that I wanted. HAHA. Um, until just now that is.

It was quite fun actually, except that I was quite tired during the last bit. Even though I told Leonard, who was blading beside me that I was very tired, he said, "Eh let's chiong the last bit okay?" I was like "...... (I thought we were chionging already?)" In the end we sort of chiong-chionged and after we returned the bike, uh, walked this long route to Carls Jr.

It was quite funny at first because whenever I was talking to someone while cycling I would keep veering to the right until I almost like, cycled onto the grass and Mingda, being very cautious would warn me like, Eh be careful! Or whenever I watched Nicholas or Kenneth do a trick I would start veering elsewhere also because I got distracted.

I like the effect of this photo it's actually natural haha. :D

Anyway my dad allowed me to go for the Christmas play rehearsal tonight! :D I'm really happy. It's full dress tonight, so it'll be full make up and costume.

The play's entitled Blood Brothers, and eventually one will sacrifice for the other. It's 20 December this Saturday, 4-7pm or 21 December, Sunday, 7-10pm. Even though I've watched it more than a couple of times, it's still as moving. I'm performing in it too. So please come down to support, anyone who's reading this! (: It's at Bedok Bethesda Tampines Church, at Bedok North Ave 3. Msg me or talk to me online or tag here if you wanna come!

Anyway on Saturday, Jiarong came for the Christmas service. It felt like eons since I last saw him, and I was surprised myself that I could recognise him from far. It felt as though nothing had changed since we met up many months ago.

Angmian's back! Haha. Okay I just had to say that.

Going off now, bye :]

2008-12-14T01:32:00.002+08:00

In front of this person I'm reduced to the naive, ignorant child that I ~~prefer to be~~ used to be, the one who fell head over heels in the first place.

2008-12-09T23:31:00.001+08:00

I need to realise that not everyone is as perfect as I hope or think of them to be, before I actually know them thoroughly. Sometimes I really do feel like Jane Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, especially when Elizabeth commented on this trait of hers. It always feels good to think the best of people because that way you are comfortable and uninhibited. You also do not need to be cautious because sometimes being wary is a very tiring thing to do.

But you also become disappointed easily once your impressions of them are marred by something resembling what they are truly like inside. You are taken very much by shock, uneasiness and a realisation of your poor judge of character. I need to stop believing I can entrust a part of myself to people just because I assume them to be trustworthy.

Then again I'm always grateful that God has always been by my side to protect me, from any hurts whatsoever. I'm thankful I always have him to be the best judge of character.

2008-12-06T01:36:00.005+08:00

This needs to be announced here. It truly feels like a historic event, even close to a milestone in my life! I'm exaggerating.

DR. ANG REMOVED MY BRACES TODAY! :D It has been more than two years since I first started wearing them.

Teeth without adornment, like how my mum likes to put it.

I bet he has watched me grow from a fifteen-year-old to who I am now (albeit most of the time I only went once in two months when I was supposed to see him once a month).

It's a most incredible and strange feeling to be without braces because suddenly, your teeth have nothing on them and all you feel is just, well, your teeth. It took me more than a couple of hours to be adjusted to being without them because I'd been wearing them for so long - not as long as some people I know but still, enough to have made an impact!

Went to discuss the COPE stuff with Cat and Binghao at Macs after that, before heading to meet Bianche who just came back from China. (Insert ALOT of content here)

That's all I'll blog for today. Need to sleep ! (:

2008-11-30T20:45:00.001+08:00

Got a pair of jeans and a nice skirt today. :) Went to Chinatown with my family to eat at Yum Cha for brunch, and that was where I got the long skirt. Candy was like, 'wow you got a long skirt?' -.-

Went out with Candy first, then I bumped into Krislyn and Eastina at Bugis. I haven't seen Krislyn in two years! So it was quite a shock when I saw her. It took a second or two of her looking straight into my eyes before I actually realised it was her. I finally recognised her when she burst into this big smile.

Weilie joined us after that and well I'M NOT PLAYING GOOSEBERRY, he's sincerely alright with me being there.

\

Disappointed. Even though I wouldn't really like to think myself as being so. Perhaps we shouldn't even bother to meet up anymore, ~~even as good old friends~~, because I don't really see a point? I think I know why I'm upset, because I feel like I'm being weighed together with other things and then pushed down the list. I know it's all right because everything is extremely different right now, but I'm not used to this fact blinding me blatantly and audaciously (if I still have the right to put it) in this manner.

2008-11-29T22:53:00.000+08:00

I'm... at a loss for words.

I don't want to think about it. I can't believe the young lawyer died, like that. Just last night I felt an urgency to pray for someone, who was a complete stranger to me. Was worried and anxious. I hoped for her to be safe and sound.

ARGH I need to stop. thinking. about. this. (for now) The motive of the terrorists and all that is behind them is to strike fear and terror in our hearts and to cast doubt in our minds. But 'He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.' I can't remember the reference for this verse, it suddenly sprung up in my mind like a few seconds ago, and I see how apt it is. Oh my goodness. (Thank God)

Need to, sleep soon. (and stop thinking)

2008-11-27T11:40:00.000+08:00

Went to send the mission trip people off last night. Had to leave before 10.30, so couldn't do the press-face-and-palms-against-glass-panel thing when they entered the departure hall. We prayed for Yongliang and Chuanyi before I left, and when we gathered in a circle Jiaxin was like, Angeline go, and I gulped and prayed. Okay I didn't gulp, but I was a little nervous.

I know they'll have a safe trip and a meaningful time in Cebu. :]

I need to borrow The Handmaid's Tale and The Tempest. Fortunately Bedok library has both, so I'm going now.

P.S I dreamt of many kids running all about a few nights ago. Must be the POP camp. I was running after them and I was deceived (by the dream) into thinking that it worsened my fever in reality.

2008-11-23T22:20:00.000+08:00

This is very strange. Whenever I stand up, my head hurts, then the pain goes away. It's been happening for quite awhile. Sometimes it'll hurt when I continue walking. In the past it used to just be that I'd feel a little dizzy when I stand up. I wanted to ask the doctor about this just now but I was croaking away so I decided not to. Haha :/

My mum's eating now I'm going to talk to her!

2008-11-21T22:49:00.001+08:00

Alabaster Jar - Zach Neese

This alabaster jar
Is all i have of worth
I break it at your feet, Lord
It's less than you deserve
You're far more beautiful
More precious than the oil
The sum of my desires
And the fullness of my joy

Like you spilled your blood,
I spill my heart as an offering
To my king

Here i am, take me
As an offering
Here i am, giving every heartbeat
For your glory take me

The time that i have left
Is all i have of worth
I lay it at your feet, lord
It's less than you deserve
And though i've little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave your life for me
So, I will live my life for you

Worthy, worthy
You are worthy
Worthy is the lord

2008-11-21T00:10:00.001+08:00

POP camp was fun, as well as shopping at NTUC for the kids' dinner and breakfast. (and having strangers stare at our trolley because it was filled to the brim, in fact, more than that, with packets of popcorn and many tubs of ice cream the likes)

I felt like a mother today. I got to understand kids alot better.Although being in a room with 8-9 kids mostly screaming their heads off with us trying to get them to listen isn't a very pleasant experience, they're still worth all the attention and time spent. I also can't help but feel that the little boy who couldn't coordinate his clapping and stomping of foot during his group's performance was extremely adorable.

I'm going back tomorrow morning. :)

2008-11-19T17:33:00.003+08:00

The room smells of Baby, and my hands smell a tinge of him too.

This morning I happened to watch Great Expectations on CNA, and I'm contemplating if I should let my child sleep in this recommended hammock-like bed that 'bounces and sways from side to side' or a regular bed. According to CNA, it's useful for parents who have to wake up frequently in the middle of the night to coax their baby to sleep. After some thought however, I decided that I'll just get a regular cot, and get up as many times in the night as I have to, to carry her/him and rock her/him to sleep. That's the natural way isn't it? I just don't want my child to prefer the swaying of the hammock to being in my arms. (I even think of the hammock as a rival)

I always forget that there's a father, and I'm not the only parent you see. Having the father around makes all my thoughts of parenting much easier (because the dad can be the bad guy and I'll be the caring mother). Kidding! He'll just play the stern role and enforce discipline while I'll be the one who will listen to my child's woes and give him/her advice.

Great Expectations also had some healthy recipes for the kids. I should pick up cooking so by the time I'm a mother, my kids will say I have the best cooking/baking skills in the world. (HOPEFULLY !)

I know I'm only seventeen, but it's always good to prepare yourself early ! (:

It's a little intimidating to think that one living in such close proximity said all that yesterday. Oh well. Don't think.

Last night I waited for my dad to come home and then I reminded myself of the little girl I saw the the airport who ran and slammed herself against her father she missed so much. I hugged him and was so consumed with self pity because of his tender response that I behaved like a little girl again. My dad said he'll punch whoever I wanted him to, especially the one on the train, and break a bone, or something. I felt better after that.

I'm a rather contradictory person. I think of having my own kids when I'm still daddy's little girl.

2008-11-18T21:07:00.007+08:00

I'm feeling disgusted and harassed. I feel like a pair of eyes has been watching me in my unawares. WHAT THE FREAK ! Edit: (in an effort to be vague)

On any random day I would be fine and maybe even glad that I've made friends with someone, but today is not the day. I'm sorry, I know it's not his fault to choose to be (over)friendly today. But I'm really upset.

Today's seriously not the day.

Everything before the train thing was good though, I met up with Best Friend, and we went Orchard. I'll miss her when she's away ! ! ! I wish she was beside me when those stuff could have happened then they wouldn't happen at all.

2008-11-17T18:28:00.008+08:00

To keep Your lovely face

Ever before my eyes

This my prayer

Make it my strong desire

That in my secret heart

No other love competes

No rival throne survives

For I serve only You

Was singing softly to myself on the way home.

Bought a pair of new shoes today, while Candy had to get her court shoes. I actually intended to stay home to do some reading today, but when Candy asked me to accompany her out I decided I could also bring my book along. But it turned out that I barely read it. Oh well.

The Christmas dance practice yesterday was fun. We were practising outside the sanctuary, in front of the lift. Then in the midst of all our dancing, the lift doors suddenly opened and this man stood there quite stunned. His expression was hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing.

Need to quit thinking ahead all the time, because as Mummy said, I never know what would happen next. (though I insisted I could predict) But yes, she was right. I never know, I've only always been assuming.

2008-11-17T00:17:00.002+08:00

Happy the way I am. I feel light. Daddy was right from the beginning when he said I shouldn't. But I was stubborn then and went ahead anyway. Now I know what he meant by, you're too young. Now I'm glad I'm finally learning how to find my security in God.

2008-11-14T00:09:00.012+08:00

Went to get the christmas trees for youth church today. :D Really fun decorating the trees and wrapping the fake presents! :D We were pretty efficient, like we managed to get back to church on time at 5 and started setting up the trees and stuff until 7 plus.

Finished work yo :D This is only one tree, which all four of us think is the prettier one. It looks much better when you see it in real life! :D

Transporting the trees back to church wasn't comfortable at all though, at least for Leslie and Yongliang. :/

The whole time their voices were muffled behind the boxes and it felt like the trees inside were alive and talking. :D

And at the christmas tree + decorations shop Yongliang and I found some interesting stuff to wear. Actually he started it:

Hahaha I had to put this up! He actually looks okay in this photo but in person it's quite funny. We saw some quite cool hats too. I think the welcome team should wear red hats instead of the santa claus one! :D

It was fun :)

/
I wish I could eliminate every single drop of drink-able alchohol on this whole earth, wipe out every mini-drop of this evil moronic horrible disgusting terrible dreadful-to-the-max deadly substance so it cannot take away the people I love from me, not even for a single nano-second.

I. HATE. YOU. TO. THE. CORE. ALCOHOL I HATE YOU. I'VE NEVER HATED ANYTHING SO MUCH IN MY LIFE. GO AND BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AND DIE. STAY AWAY FROM THE PEOPLE I LOVE. DON'T COME NEAR YOU IDIOT.

I don't care if I'm personifying it and I don't care if I'm pushing the blame to an inanimate substance.

2008-11-13T23:33:00.003+08:00

Mummy called just now and I was the only person at home to answer the call. Looks like I'm the earliest person to reach home nowadays (at least during the past two days). I'm not complaining, at least I'm home to hear her voice. It's really different to share our hearts out over the phone. I can't see whether I'm making her smile. It's good that she's going to be back tomorrow. It's always good to have her by my side.

It took her a few times to get through to the house phone, so I decided to try calling her handphone. I very doubtfully called her with my handphone and didn't expect myself to get through. And I was like, 'Eh mummy you answered!' I didn't know my handphone could make overseas calls la. It was a pleasant surprise to hear her voice like that.

She's touching down at 9.35pm tomorrow! We're going to the airport :) YAY MUMMY'S GOING TO BE BACK HOME.

I'm still a hopeless mummy's girl. (and daddy's girl)

Anyway, we went out to celebrate Deborah's (AKA Pok) birthday today in advance! :D We wanted to go Escape but it was closed! :( Grrrr. So we ate and had a special birthday cake and watched Quantum of Solace at Downtown East. (:

After a few tries of either having faces cut out/covered we managed to get a good photo :D

HAPPY SEVENTEENTH BIRTHDAY POK!

I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR THREE YEARS! =D (And I'm still using the pencil case you gave me even though the K fell off haha!)

2008-11-11T21:00:00.003+08:00

Mummy flew off to ~~Melborne~~ Melbourne today. We had breakfast together at the airport and sent her off. I'd like to think that I can still see her as and when I want to, so when my sis harped on Mum being away when we were at Parkway, I tried to stopped her from going on. It's not that she'll be gone for very long, just a couple of days actually. She'll be back on Friday to see that my braces have been removed. (:

At Parkway :] Waiting for that shop to open! (Sidenote: I cleverly trimmed my fringe last night :D)

2008-11-10T17:00:00.003+08:00

PostSecret

It gives me mixed feelings. I'm thinking they've grown to a ripe old age and have seen the most beautiful sunrise together.

2008-11-10T16:25:00.000+08:00

I'll wait.

I'll be really patient and wait ...

2008-11-08T23:45:00.002+08:00

Today I was forced to swallow a whole mouthful, in fact, many mouthfuls of apathetic youths who can afford pretty handbags, pretty clothes and pretty shoes but do not have a few cents and a few minutes of their lives to spare.

We did flag day for the Singapore Children's Society. I'm not trying to make a sweeping statement that all youths are apathetic, but I truly wanted to give up approaching youths because some of them ignored my existence completely (Couldn't they at least acknowledge that a question was being posed to them? Like shake/nod their heads/ smile? I'm sure it takes a tremendous load of effort doesn't it?) It is very discouraging whenever I walk up to one of those pretty, all made-up faces and ASK all I get is this expressionless countenance, like I'm uh thin air. I mean some people from other age groups do that too but it's even more discouraging when I see people of our age group it, even though it's not at all a surprise actually.

There were nice people too. Like a man who came up to donate fifty dollars, and another lady who came back to donate because she felt that I looked 'poor thing'.

Oh well. I'm going to sleep.

2008-11-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

At the LEP movie marathon which we could only stay for 2 hours,

Angmian went behind me so that my face would look even bigger but it turned out to be a cute picture. She looks endearing. :]

2008-11-04T22:43:00.005+08:00

Sent dearest sister off at the airport just now. She was really pretty with her new get-up for the cold weather in China. You can't really tell from the photo because of the distance but she looked good. It was quite cool to see her dad and even he said we bear some resemblance! Only managed to talk to her for awhile because she had to check in soon. I was really excited for her.

Watched Sing to the Dawn with Mum and Sis just now. It was not as good as the book, nor was it as touching. They changed a whole lot of the content. Oh well.

\

On the taxi today,

Me: Mummy do you think I'm an idealist?
Mum: Well, you're more of a dreamer actually.
Me: MUMMY! (horrified)

Well I guess I do daydream alot, about many things so that they would all seem perfect to me. I don't really know though, so I'm guessing, I don't quite understand myself yet.

Edit: I dreamt I had a kid last night. He was still a baby and I was carrying him until he fell asleep soundly. My mum, looking exactly like how she does now, went ' Angel, that's not the way to carry a baby' and she demonstrated the craddle-like way, and that was all I could remember of the dream. I told my mum in the morning about it and she asked me, 'What happened to your husband?' I don't know because I always seem to leave him out of my dreams and the equation (for now) , and just think of the children.

2008-11-03T22:10:00.003+08:00

PW'S OVER.

I wish I could stop myself from sounding cliché because I bet thousands out there would be saying the same thing. Perhaps they would even begin their blog posts with the same line. But it's something that needs to be announced properly. PW'S OVER, I mean it's really over! (And I half suspect that it's because everyone has created such a big fuss over PW, I myself have come to believe that it is a big and important thing)

Our OP went well, I'm glad. Thank God :) I didn't stutter or forget or anything. When I was standing up for the Q&A, I kept thinking 'I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe this is it. I'm actually standing here, listening to my question!' And it distracted me a little from the first few words of the question, but it turned out all good. I'm happy with the question and my answer because it was relatively simple to cope with. Clare answered really well and I saw Mrs Lofthouse and the other examiner nodding their heads in unison. Esti and I nodded our heads as well.

After which we were all famished to the core and went to Cafe Cartel at Plaza Sing to eat.

Argh I can't stand it when random people start adding me on msn and I'll think they are people I know but it turns out they are all strangers! It's all fine when they just don't talk but I really can't stand it when they say hi and start talking in strange short forms. :/ I've taken to saying hello to be polite and then ignoring them once I realise they're people I don't know. ( I mean of all cheesy things, 'nice to meet ya'?!)

I'm still thinking what I'd be doing tomorrow. Hmmmmmmmmm.

2008-10-30T23:20:00.002+08:00

The more I look at this photo of my dad, the more I think he's charming. I can't help it, I always have this image of my dad as being the best even though we get upset with each other at times. He's someone I can truly say I love with all my heart. I think he's an amazing dad. Maybe one day I'll pull him here to read this post.

2008-10-27T21:05:00.001+08:00

They were right, the liberation sets in only after awhile, and it has. I'm happy, and I feel liberated. I never knew it would feel like this, I always thought the worst.

Met my PW group today for OP. Clare was incredulous and said something about how my maternal instincts have set in at an early age of seventeen. I was just narrating to them about the incident at 333 the other day. While Li jia and I were having lunch, this little boy suddenly came under our table and he like, knocked his head when he was trying to come out and I was quite shocked. He then proceeded to climb the railing beside me and the horrid thing was, he could easily fall off the railing and start rolling down the grass and injure his head or something. He was right beside me for goodness' sake and his parents didn't even care! I took hold of his torso and I was like 'Boy, cannot do this. Come down now" in Mandarin and he didn't respond to me or anything. I wanted to ignore him but I really couldn't he was just beside me! After awhile I think he got tired of listening to Li jia and I talking about how dangerous it was for him to be climbing up there and he went back to his table where his parents were eating like nothing happened.

I wouldn't allow my kid to wander anywhere else and get himself/herself hurt. Perhaps it's because I was brought up this way by my dad, who was very cautious and could get worried about our safety especially when we were younger.

\

Don't we all wonder about our future at times? I always think about kids, and family and I usually think it picture-perfect. But it's not good to be living in the future or in the past when you're in the present. It's not good to think that the past/future was/is better. I'll try to rid myself of the habit, save for the occasional daydreaming when I see a really cute kid or a happily married couple.

2008-10-25T21:00:00.002+08:00

Had dinner with Bianche at Tampines Mall after church. I saw Rachel and Xinci and they said Bianche looked like the beautician they saw at Jean Yip. -.- Haha, except that I guess the lady had makeup on but Bianche doesn't have any and she's pretty like that! :D I don't know why but I'm really proud of my best friend, for everything. I was like, this is Bianche, my best friend. I have no idea why I added it in and not just, my friend, or just stop at Bianche. I guess your best friend is the best to you for many things. We kept talking non-stop and it's quite strange and wonderful at the same time that I see myself in her and vice versa and we're so similar, ever since we were 11.

During the workshop this morning that taught us how to take care of the elderly, they talked about how as you got older, your social circle would become smaller because you would have lost contact with many of your friends. But I want to be able to grow old with her still by my side. I want to be able to ring her up when I'm 70, or meet her at the park just for a good talk. I'll do all I can to stay in contact with her. I wouldn't allow her to migrate. (Haha I'm half kidding) If her husband wants to take her to Canada or something for good I wouldn't allow him to !! (Half kidding)

Oh well. I'll take everything as it comes.

2008-10-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

I find childlikeness very endearing. It's the sort that would make me go 'awwww' and I want to pinch the person's cheeks (though I really dislike it when people want to attack mine).

But the things that I find endearing aren't going to last me every step of the way. I've come to realise that there are many things that aren't going to last me every step of the way, many things which will become too inadequate in the long run.

2008-10-23T21:33:00.001+08:00

I'm really happy that God answered my prayer just now. He does it really often but I was especially happy just now because it was so unexpected. I was searching high and low for my PW entry proof. I looked through the same stacks of worksheets again and again and still couldn't find it and I was like panicking a little, Lord, please let me find my entry proof by tonight. I mean, I needed it for the written report submission tomorrow! Then after I thought I couldn't find it anymore, I messaged Mr Tan to ask him and he said he'll tell me the index number tomorrow. When I stood up, just about to do other stuff because I gave up finding, I saw the entry proof lying on the floor behind the table together with a few pieces paper where I couldn't see it at all initially and I was like thinking, WHAT?! YAY ! ! It slipped away from all the other stacks of worksheets. I could have not seen the entry proof at all and then look for Mr Tan to get it reprinted and stuff.

Thank God. :) It's not only the big things that he does for me, it's the little things he does that matter so much to me too.

2008-10-22T19:06:00.002+08:00

How do I blog about things in a way that no one else can understand? It's really taxing to try to phrase my thoughts in as vague a manner as I can, and still be able to vent. Perhaps I should start another private blog or something. Gah. This is not even a plausible venting outlet anymore. :/

2008-10-21T22:25:00.002+08:00

Today I decided to stay home because I was afraid of how the school would look like to me. This is the most ridiculous thing ever. I wish I was just being juvenile. But I was truly afraid that when I passed by some bench or tree (haha), something inside me would give way and I would remember that I'd lost someone and things that were important to me.

At least we had no regrets.

I can proudly say that we have no regrets. I can proudly say that I've said all that I've always wanted to say. I can proudly say that I stopped being selfish.

I can proudly say that we wanted the best for each other.

I know you truly cared for me. It is enough for me to always look back fondly at this relationship and remember you as a wonderful person. (not someone childish or silly haha)

I'm glad Baby was especially adorable today, and the other dad messaged me to ask about my sis and helped with the 'healing process'. I'm glad Candy accompanied me out for dinner, and I've got Daddy who was really upset with the stupid guy on the train. He wasn't there with me but when I called him to tell him about it he was really angry. I won't elaborate on it (Daddy made me feel better though). In any case I really wish I could punch the guy in his face and make him fall down somewhere so that he'll have a bruise on his cheek. I was really mad just now though. But I'm fine now. :)

I'll be off. I'm happier now :)

2008-10-20T22:30:00.005+08:00

Some photos from the wedding dinner ! :D

I like this one because Daddy took it for me. :D

\

A closure.

That's what we need.

One day I'll be able to look back and be glad that I did the right thing (for you, and me).

I slept during CSC since I didn't want to watch the video. A couple of others were also sleeping. When I woke up, the period was over, and for a split second I felt as though nothing in the few hours had happened. The day was good albeit mundane. Then it all sunk in and I remembered it all.

I couldn't allow myself to become a selfish idiot, one of those irresponsible jerks that I hate. Couldn't allow myself to continue hurting because it hurts an incredible lot to hurt. At least I'd said everything from the bottom of my heart and held nothing back.

Won't say much here. Need to sleep I guess. Still contemplating if I should go to school tomorrow.

2008-10-20T00:15:00.001+08:00

Went for a relative's wedding dinner just now, Angeline and Justin. I felt really touched when they gave a speech to thank their parents. I was telling my dad that I would prepare two separate speeches to address Mummy and Daddy separately during my wedding dinner. An English speech for Mum, and one in Mandarin for Dad. Dad kept telling me that mine would be in a decade's time so he had no idea why I was planning so much in advance, but I insisted because it was fun and it made me happy. I was thinking of the songs to play, especially at the crucial moment of us walking down the aisle. I need a song that can move people to tears, and make me feel like the most blessed person in the world.

A decade or so, to a blissful marriage, adorable kids and a family of my own.

2008-10-18T21:11:00.001+08:00

I wonder how many people will have to pass you by before you find the right one who will hold your hand when you're seventy?

2008-10-18T00:40:00.002+08:00

Went to eat at Aston, near Katong with the prayer group people for dinner. We played hi mary yes mary while waiting for our food and it was so hilarious I was constantly in hysterical laughter especially when Shengchuan got very confused. He became seven dots eventually. Xiang suggested to play the game and she was the only Mary at the end. She's really good. :D Everyone has to play the game one day it's really really funny! Well at least I couldn't stop laughing. We headed to Parkway after that and I really liked it that we cut through this shopping centre when the shops were closing and it was deserted, probably because I was quite excited when I was recounting to Kenneth about my horrid experience with skating, and I started to speak a little too loudly.

Anyway I really thank God everything went well. :] And I had a good and really long talk with Yahan in the morning. We haven't caught up in a long while I'm really glad we still understand each other very much. :D

Cat skipped Math to have lunch with me and I was really happy and touched at the same time. Thanks alot Cat :)

And HI BEAR !! GREETINGS TO YOU! Haha!

It's like a people post today. Haha. I'll go prepare the songs now. :D

2008-10-15T19:31:00.005+08:00

You never do realise the people you've neglected until you've stepped out of it.

All of a sudden, I feel I'm able to care for more now. There's greater room in my heart for the important people in my life to fit in, for God to fit in.

Just that now when I talk about him absentmindedly I realise how strange I sound. I sound exactly like how I used to, and I still talk about him as though I still know him inside out, as though I know him best.

I've never been good with letting go of people. In fact, I'm terrible at it. But I refuse to allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I refuse to dwell in this. I refuse to let it to eat me up. I've promised myself that I would not allow myself to dwell in this anymore after last night. There's no reason for me to be wallowing in self pity actually.

I'm glad I was brave enough to step out of it.

(:

2008-10-14T22:12:00.002+08:00

I feel a sense of loss.

This must be how she feels too, only that it's magnified so much more. To have the man of your life pass away all of a sudden one night in his sleep, it must hurt very much. I'm going to attend his funeral tomorrow night. Maybe it would be an excuse for me to cry too?

I feel a sense of loss. When I'm alone, and everything's quiet, this is when I think about this supposed void. I've allowed myself to let go, and it took alot for me to let go. You've been a huge part of my life in the past. I need, people, laughter, lots of talking, to keep me from thinking.

I know this is temporal and it's part of Your plan, help me through this, to find my security in You.

I know everything will turn out to be beautiful, in Your time.

\

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY TO RACHEL TAN THE BEAR AND FELLOW SISTER! :) All of a sudden I have three other sisters and a father tonight, after eating at Seoul Garden. It's strange isn't it. My father's really good though, he keeps giving me beef and chicken. Maybe that's why I agreed to be his daughter. Haha. I think I have a mother today too, but she doesn't know she's got four daughters and a husband until we tell her on Saturday. Anyway, it was fun tonight, I'm glad there're always people to laugh with and listen to and you're never alone :)

2008-10-13T19:57:00.001+08:00

If there was a better way, I would certainly be more than willing and happy to do it. But I'd racked my brains so hard and shed so many tears that I was really sick and tired of trying to find a way out of it, myself. It was something that my human wisdom couldn't fathom and everytime I tried to think, I got a headache, literally. I never knew that you could think about something until your head hurt. It's an incredible feat.

Then on Sunday morning, with like, a swollen left eye because of the silly crying, I decided I should spend some time with God. Ironically, throughout all my trying-to-think-of-what-to-do-to-please-God, I left Him out of the equation. I didn't spend time with him throughout the whole of Saturday and Friday too, (even more ironic because on Saturday I was in church, but I wasn't really there because my mind was preoccupied) and I got this:

"Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on His God."

The right thing is simply to trust God, for while we trust, He can work. Worrying, however, prevents Him from doing anything for us. If the darkness covering us strikes terror in our hearts and we run back and forth, seeking in vain to find a way of escape from the dark trial where God's providence has placed us, then the Lord cannot work on our behalf.

We must place our hand in His as a little child and allow Him to lead us into the bright sunshine of His love.

Streams In The Desert, L.B. Cowman

And I decided to stop trying to think of a way out, and trust God to lead me in the right direction instead. I think God's amazing like that, that I actually don't have to worry, because He has the road all paved ready for me to walk on it.

I mean, I don't know what's ahead of me, but I'm sure this is what God wants me to do. You've been amazing, really, and we both know God has a plan for us. The worst direction to go now is backwards. You've been a wonderful bundle of silliness, cheekiness, mixed in an incredible amount of patience, stirred with joy and served with love. And if we're truly the best together, then that's what we would end up as. I know you have faith. I'm the one who needs to have more faith (in us, if that's what God wants).

2008-10-12T11:34:00.002+08:00

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

Isaiah 50:10

2008-10-10T22:03:00.002+08:00

Dinner with Cat at the airport at T3 was awesome :D We ate at Earle Swensens. I got this hotdog that was really humongous and she got fish and chips. We really love the airport to bits and pieces. I love the expansiveness of it and how it makes me feel like I'm flying off to somewhere far away in a few hours or so!

We were at the airport with Bock, Binghao, Wanting and Shiting to plan the outing for the elderly and we walked quite abit. My favourite part was when we could see the aeroplanes in front of us. There was a particular one that was really beautiful because it was especially huge and looked brand new. The setting sun was behind it, and the sun rays made it look elegant and even majestic. I can't really explain why I was happy when I saw it. I just kept telling Binghao that the old folks would be really happy too if they could see this.

Anyway, Cat and I took the train back to Tanah Merah together and I was telling her we should go to the airport more often. I really like the place alot. I mean I know they waste a good amount of land space on it because it's pretty much empty in many parts but I still love it.

On another note, I hate the kind of person I am like this. I'm not behaving like how a child of God should be. Jealous, petty, unwilling to forgive, full of pride and stubborn. I hate it. I don't want to be like this. I always think about it, perhaps I'm not ready to deal with these things in a more mature and magnanimous way (most importantly, with alot more love and trust and in a godly manner)
I mean, the notion of hurting used to always make me cringe but what exactly am I doing these days?

Anyway, just now I stuck the card from Cat for my birthday onto the wall beside my bed, just above the jigsaw she gave me. It made me feel warm inside. I really like it when people make things for me because it makes me feel that it all comes from the bottom of their hearts.

ECP outing tomorrow ! :]

2008-10-08T22:14:00.003+08:00

I'll just put it bluntly that I'm not happy with my results. This is far from the best that I can do, I believe. It doesn't really affect me though, especially when I don't think about it . So it's okay I guess. GP was quite a disappointment though. I always had relatively high hopes for GP. I guess too much of my idealism sufficed in the essay and I was a tad too emotional/interpreting the question too much? I don't know. Makes me remember Cao laoshi's comment about how we must not be like literature students who can get too emotional when we're writing a CSC essay. It was rather amusing when I heard it but now I sort of get it. I wonder if the two literature subjects that I'm taking magnify my susceptibility to emotions sometimes?

Do I really have to become extremely studious like some I've seen? I don't know. I used to be thinking that I would not become like that, because well, I don't know, I just don't want to be like that. Contradicting myself, am I not? I want to excel but I don't want to put in the effort, and I'm not a genius either.

These are not subjects that I hardly care about (i.e, Physics or Chemistry). These are the subjects I've chosen because I liked them and believed I would do much better writing essays then solving problem sums. I don't like to even look at the things I'm weak at. Sometimes I like to pretend they aren't there, because I hate to feel that I'm not good enough. Then again, I won't be excelling in what I think to be my strengths if I don't put in enough effort. I know, I know. But I just hate to know that there are so many people far better in what I thought I was good at. Gah. I don't know, I really don't know.

Sometimes I don't realise that at the back of my mind I have this streak of competitiveness that can suffice and grip me all of a sudden.

Still, I should thank God that I'm still promoted and I didn't get all Es or something.

On another note, I went with Vivian and Shunjie to UWC to watch this basketball match, PJ against UWC yesterday evening. Mark was playing so whenever he was on court we would all be extra attentive.

I don't know what to write about now. I'm rather tired. I'm always easily tired? Oh well. Bye :)

2008-10-04T00:50:00.004+08:00

Sometimes When We Touch

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

I love the lyrics. I think they're beautiful. I know I'm short of words to describe it, I'll just stick with beautiful for now. The lines in italics are those that I particularly like for no particular reason.

2008-10-01T21:57:00.000+08:00

Feels like up down left right and center I've been shown different notions of marriage. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I want to have a happy marriage, the ideal one that I've always wanted. It wouldn't turn out otherwise (please don't let it turn out otherwise).

There was a SPECIAL guest at my house for lunch today ! :)

After that I went to meet Bestie and watched Painted Skin at Vivo. It was a good movie. We sobbed badly, scolded the actors (while watching) and got upset with the exact same line that shouldn't have been there at all. Silly line, spoilt it all :( Anyway it was great catching up. :) We went Candy Empire to get chocolates before the movie and just when I was about to leave she handed me the box of chocolates that she bought and I was feeling, awwww. She really has to be my bridesmaid in the future, I don't know how it links to the chocolates but SHE MUST.

I don't know what's with me and marriage I really don't know. I just have such a pretty picture of having a family of my own that I'd be really upset if things don't turn out the way I hope them to. Oh well.

2008-10-01T01:20:00.006+08:00

I have no idea - what with me demanding that you laugh when i say something funny, getting angry often, behaving (a little) spoilt most of the time - that you would still not be irked and get upset with me. You must have a really high tolerance level, or I must be amazing even at my worst. Okay no, this post wasn't supposed to turn out egoistic like this. It was to mean I appreciate it very much because you definitely have a very high tolerance level (at least to me) and I am not at all likeable at my worst. You must be exceptional because you've never don't friend me-ed once.

2008-09-30T00:03:00.003+08:00

I don't know how old, when I was in kindergarten? :D I think my sis took a photo of me. LOL. I look so familiar, really. I look like one of the kids I've seen before on the streets! It's so odd. Heh. Actually I just want to say I can't believe I used to look cute, I have no idea what happened now. HAHA.

2008-09-29T22:45:00.007+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BOCKY AND CATHERINEY! ! ! (very belated but still)

Being with great company makes a wonderful end to the promos! Haha. :D Will blog more tomorrow hehhh. :D

2008-09-28T18:12:00.004+08:00

2008-09-27T21:00:00.000+08:00

红豆

还没好好的感受

雪花绽放的气候

我们一起颤抖

会更明白什么是温柔

还没跟你牵著手

走过荒芜的沙丘

可能从此以後学会珍惜

天长和地久

有时候有时候

我会相信一切有尽头

相聚离开都有时候

没有什么会永垂不朽

可是我有时候

宁愿选择留恋不放手

等到风景都看透

也许你会陪我看细水长流

2008-09-27T19:40:00.013+08:00

I've one last paper to go, Lit on Monday. But I'm behaving as though my exams are over. My Lit notes are still scattered all over the place though, I've not taken a look at them for a long while. I'll go search later, promise!

I went out for lunch with my mum, dad and sis on the pretext of rewarding myself for all my hard work the past week. Yes, I'm rewarding myself but my parents are treating. I was really happy because I got to choose the place I wanted to eat at :D Oh I saw Yahan at Bugis after that. :D She tapped me from the back when I was at Yoshinoya and I was shocked haha. And today I finally got to use the bag that Jiawen bought for me for my birthday! FINALLY. My mum kept complimenting the bag. The bag, not me. Jiawen I hope you're reading this, if not, I'll tell you that I used the bag haha!

Then in the morning today ( I fail at trying to blog in a chronological order) I was thinking if my dad could install the new scanner cum printer for me. It wasn't really nice of me because he was just about to go out but I was all smiles :D And he agreed. Then we embarked on this whole putting-the-printer-together journey! I know I was an enormous help, I gave him lots of moral support. Like, jiayou daddy! while I sat beside and watched intently. I know that doesn't sound like alot of help but I bet my dad feels it is! (maybe not but nevermind) Um, my dad's hands were all stained by the ink cartridges though because the cartridges were being really irritating! THEY WERE LEAKING. But I found it quite funny because my dad's hands were so colourful! So uh I couldn't control it and I started to laugh and my dad told me it's all my fault.

In the end, after overcoming all the obstacles, (I had my finger stained also okay! It was just the finger tip with a little bit of yellow but still!) we finally got the scanner printer up and working :D :D So,

I scanned some photos from the Switzerland/Paris trip last year :D It was freezing cold then but it was one of the best trips I've gone on! The first one was taken in Switzerland when we were looking at some cuckoo clocks, the second one was also in Switzerland. You have to enlarge them though cos well, we look tiny!

Oh yes and while we were in the cab just now I was trying to restrain myself from bursting into laughter! The driver was wearing his spectacles on his forehead, I don't know why perhaps it was for long-sightedness and he was reading something before that? When I glanced at the mirror I got a shock because in a split second I was wondering why are his eyes so high up? And when I realised I was biting my lip and trying to keep myself from laughing. I shared it with my mum and she also started laughing, but she tried to keep it soft. It really looked like his eyes were on his forehead!

On another note, I was really mad at Z yesterday. Really mad. I've never been so angry before (okay maybe I have but I don't recall) But to my surprise I was able to compartmentalize my emotions. My anger actually dissipated when he told me that important thing, and all of a sudden, I wasn't upset with him anymore. It's so strange. It's quite amazing actually because I prayed before that but I still thought I couldn't do it, I couldn't not show that I was angry. Um of course when it was appropriate later, I started to let out all my anger and I kept ranting on and on. (though by then I wasn't truly angry anymore) And Z has forced me to become a more direct person. I hate it. I hate to be direct. It's so awful to confront sometimes but he keeps wanting me to. But when I think about it again, I realise it's not a bad thing.

Okay I think I've blogged for quite awhile. I need to start looking for my Lit notes now. Bye bye :D

2008-09-24T19:56:00.003+08:00

OH MAN YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!

And you would think that if I rejoiced like this it means my promos are over right? It's only because CSC IS OVER IT'S OVER OH MY GOODNESS YAY. :D I've not walked into an exam room thinking hoping and praying that I have at least something (even if it's crap) to write other than for CSC. Like that thing doesn't even need to be correct! I just need something to fill up the blank piece of paper! I hate, HATE HATE having to ever stare at the blank piece of paper in front of me with only a miserable paragraph to answer an essay question. Isn't it scary? And you have to spend 2 hours and 15 minutes staring at the paragraph (if that is all you can write) and feel even more miserable. Just that CSC is one subject that I feel I can't prepare for. Angmian and I asked Z in the canteen before the paper to translate things into Chinese for us. I actually quoted him in my essay after that HAHA, of course I didn't credit him I just wrote it out like I always had those thoughts LOL I'm sorry but he always copies what I say too HAHA. Actually I thank him very much :)

\

Person-Who-Tolerates-Spoilt-Gummy-Bears,

I'm sorry for being full of pride, very full of pride. I'm afraid that you'd know that I actually prefer you to stay. I'm a very weird and proud gummy bear. I'm sorry.

\

When I was walking back to the canteen today Angmian suddenly looked up at me at mouthed something in a joyous and cute manner and I was shocked because I thought she wanted to greet me. It turned out that she was singing.

Chinese Lit and Math on Friday! Tomorrow's a 'rest' day but it'll be serious mugging especially for Chinese Lit. Oh well. I told my grandma today about how I wanted to go to Disneyland and she said that the plane ride would be really long and I nodded (I still want to go there though).

2008-09-20T21:02:00.001+08:00

I've not been doing any productive studying for the past few hours. This is really bad, especially since promos are on Tuesday! I SOS-ed Z just now for the volume of a cone though HAHA. Erm I was lazy to check my notes they're hidden somewhere under a pile of something.

Okay STUDY STUDY STUDY STUDY DETACH SELF FROM COMPUTER.

2008-09-18T18:09:00.003+08:00

When I heard the song just now I couldn't help but to think this is how she must feel, so much so that I didn't really know how I felt about it anymore. Sometimes I actually forget how it's like to be me.

2008-09-17T15:03:00.002+08:00

I screamed when I read that line. I screamed out loud here alone in my room. :( I'm really selfish because I refuse to let people go when I've gone away myself.

I prefer Math to reading horrible things like that. Yes, Math is a much better option I will go back to doing Math!!!!!! (Mental note to self: distance myself from things that hurt)

2008-09-16T00:04:00.008+08:00

My mum said I was running away from it and that it is still there. I merely shoved it under the carpet and tried my best not to look at it for a long while. She said I should tackle it at its root but it's really tough. I hope there is an expiry date to things like that, so that after awhile, you can hardly remember what you'd be better without.

After awhile I wonder what exactly I am holding on to. Is what I'm holding on to truly what I think it is (all that wonderful and near perfect) ? Or is it something else really silly like, the past?
What if what I've been holding on to so tightly boils down to nothing at all, at the end of the day... Isn't it really sad..? :(

I'm trying hard to sound vague, by the way. It's so that people wouldn't know what or who I'm talking about. I guess only ahvian and morningdew would know.

2008-09-14T23:30:00.002+08:00

You have to take into account my poor memory, so you must have been very important if I still remember the things you said two, three years ago.

Isn't it nice to know that you were once really important to someone? I think it's a really fortunate place to be, tucked at the bottom of someone's heart even when many years have passed. The image of you at your best, frozen and kept that way in her heart. I do hope it's a image of you at your best, if you left on an unpleasant note then she would remember you ( or not remember you at all) as the one who hurt her and didn't know or didn't make up for it.

I don't really know what I'm talking about now. I'm feeling the same way as I did when I was younger. Very ironic. Oh well.

I miss Bianche, I need to watch a movie with her soon.

Gah, good night! :]

2008-09-13T20:48:00.003+08:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged for a week. It's the most incredible thing ever.

Anyway I went for the HSK exam today. The school thought it would be good for us to sit for it. It'll help to qualify us if ever we want to study in China. I was at the PSB academy from 2 to 6 and I'm drained now. My brain is squeezed dry, after all the comprehension passages that I had to speed-read through, because we had only a minute for each question. I never knew I could speed-read like that ! We had only a minute for all questions in fact, and I was in stressed mode throughout the whole paper.

It was really funny though, to see people of all ages take the exam. It was cute to hear people who are about forty years older than me in the toilet discussing the answer to the question I did. Like, 'huh you wrote te shu? I wrote te bie leh!' Haha. The oral part was rather hilarious actually because we had to speak to a recorder. It was mass talking session and everybody just started speaking to their recorders at once. I had so much time left that I could replay the entire thing I said and I cringed at many things I said and how I sounded like. I sounded like I was gasping for breath sometimes. Like a goldfish? Oh man. I talked about my father, and I was trying to sound like how I usually wouldn't sound like (like more professional) and it turned out bad because suddenly I would lapse into my ums and ahs and long pauses.

When the people in Beijing hear our tapes they would all first hear "testing, 1, 2, 3" and it's quite funny. Haha.

I saw Angeline and Sieuping there too! Oh man, why does Angeline look the same (EXACTLY THE SAME) after almost three years of not seeing her? She says I look the same too, except that I wear braces now. Haha. I can't believe I look the same. I thought I looked taller...? :D

When I came home just now my dad was watching tv. I lay on the sofa beside him and started ranting to him about the whole exam and how I talked about him during the oral. He was rather happy. I also started ranting to him about other irrelevant things and also started to whine a little about how I wanted to go to the Disneyland in America. He asked me why I was so random and then he said he'll take me there.

I REALLY WANT TO GO DISNEYLAND. I know I sound juvenile, but everyone has a child inside them! I'm still a child anyway. I'm a teen you see, so I can choose if I want to be an adult or a child since I'm semi-aduilt semi-child. When I researched about Disneyland in Primary 5 it looked really really really fun, interesting and heartwarming! I had to do an itinerary then because Mrs Foo wanted it. I included all the different restaurants to dine at in my itinerary and didn't really care about the price (since it was make-believe)

But I want to go there... :( I'll hold my dad accountable for what he said. He said he'll take me there! Haha. I'm kidding.

Okay I'll end here. I need to sleep awhile first. Bye :]

2008-09-05T23:28:00.002+08:00

Went to the airport with Catheriney today to study. Was rather focused. I think it's because she gives off this vibe that makes me focused. I don't know, it's strange. Catherine + Airport + Good fries + Cat's warm black jacket + Funny hotdog bun = A really good time. I really enjoyed it, even though all we did was study and eat and talk, I enjoyed her company very much and all the things we talked about especially on the skytrain and over lunch. :D We should do it more often. :D :D Really.

Then I went to Eastpoint to meet Nicky and Vivian to do Othello but well we spent alot of time talking. I love Starbucks though, maybe it's the green that makes me like it so much. I wish Vivian didn't have to alight so soon when we were on our way home, feels like there are tons of things to tell her and she left the bus too soon :( Chatting online compensated for it a little, but still.. Anyway we both had cool shirts today and she had new specs. :D And we saw Dawn! :D

These days I've been losing my temper rather easily. I'm sorry Z, :( I've been a meanie. This makes me a even bigger meanie because this is my first time apologising for it. Oh man. He's very tolerant, it makes him a far better person than I am.

Stumbled upon a little card yesterday for my sixteenth birthday and I realised that I do miss an old friend quite alot! Feel that we ought to meet up and talk soon, since we haven't been for months. I don't really know when we stopped talking. I just find it... really sad since we've been friends for really long. It said so in the card! For really long. :(

Anyway I'm quite tired now I'll go and sleep! Goodnight!

2008-09-03T22:04:00.002+08:00

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When You're Gone, Avril Lavigne

I feel a little spoilt when Z is around. He joined my sis and I at Suntec just now to study, together with Wei lie. It's bad because the people around must think I'm a spoilt brat, the way I am like that. It's worse because he takes my (rather heavy) bag when he's carrying his sling bag (he said his is not heavy, it only looks heavy) ... And sometimes when I get excited, I talk really loudly on the train about how the rain droplets on the window panes are racing each other.

Oh well.

2008-09-03T21:38:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I secretly wish this could be it, but something at the back of my mind keeps reminding me that this is incomplete.

2008-09-01T22:14:00.002+08:00

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This was playing when I was studying at Burger King with my sis just now. It keeps ringing in my head now. It's um Z's fault i guess, at least my sis says it is.

2008-08-30T21:17:00.007+08:00

FLAG DAY !

Aww Pok, I haven't taken a picture with you in EONS ! I miss you so so so much! (Just that I didn't want to say it in front of your face just now in case your already inflated ego gets even more inflated)

The four of us :)

Better photo :D

Then there was youth church's 8th birthday dinner :D

And July acting all merry and like a creature from Alice in Wonderland.

She decided to changed her hat.

Julia looking full of glee while Lijia and I just look happy in a normal way.

Pictures speak thousands of words so I'm not going to write anything else! (It's just an excuse actually because I'm lazy)

I'm a happy girl. :D

2008-08-29T19:44:00.001+08:00

Baby's quite handsome. :)

He wasn't very obedient today, but I love him anyway. I feel like a mother when I'm with him sometimes.

2008-08-29T18:27:00.003+08:00

I've got a range of new vocabulary after being around Angmian and Vivian too much. Angmian is a heebal (evil) thing while Vivian was out on a mooting (movie outing) today. Sometimes the way Angmian can be adorable makes me feel like going 'Awwwwwww' out loud, but considering how she doesn't think being adorable is a compliment at all, I'm quite upset I can't use the word freely on her. :( The way I think of her as being adorable is different from how the rest of the world thinks. (I BET) Mine is the fantabulous one without anything negative connotations at all.

Vivian can be my empathatic partner and I'm very grateful I'm not in this alone. It makes me happy when I realise that someone actually understands and feels the same way for things as I do. I have another person to visit the old lady with me ! :D

Z's tolerant of my childish antics, and just me in general. It makes his company a joy because he doesn't get mad at me. I know he thinks I'm equally fantabulous to him too. (I'm kidding, I don't think that's true at all) Come what may I'll be thankful that I met him.

Thank God for them.

I need to bring Baby out for a walk now because he keeps pawing at the window beside me !!

2008-08-28T20:37:00.014+08:00

I have this very romanticized notion of marriage.

Today Mrs Noordin was telling us about how a friend of hers decided to marry this American guy because he was quite nice and because she wanted to go to America. I was horrified. How can you settle for someone you're not head over heels in love with, who would make your life complete, who is the best you've ever had and ever will find? I don't understand. Isn't marriage supposed to be sacred, and aren't you supposed to marry the one? If you marry someone you don't love, how on earth are you going to ever find the happiness that you've given up (mind you, for someone you don't truly love) ? The sancity of marriage would be lost, together with a happy family and growing old together.

I'm an idealist, I know. But isn't the best what we all deserve?

It would be bliss to walk down the aisle and feeling every bit like a beaming bride, because you're walking to the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, who will stick with you through thick and thin ungrudgingly, and because both of you are the very best together.

I think my eyes will well up with tears by then so I'd seriously need waterproof makeup so I don't look horrible when I start crying. :/

2008-08-27T22:09:00.007+08:00

I'm quite silly, why am I so silly? I've been grinning and bugging my mum at the table just now when all she wanted to do was finish reading a newspaper article. She was like, Angel can you stop interrupting? And I carried on grinning, but I stopped disturbing her.

I passed the notes to my Econs tutor just now and collected back the ones he took to photocopy. He drove here to collect it. He looked very worn out. Does university always do this to people? I hope I don't perpetually experience the worn-out feeling when I'm all grown up with a heavier workload. :/

2008-08-26T18:18:00.009+08:00

Cabbed to school together with Vivian in the morning. It was nearing 7.15 when she called me but I was still at home!! She took a cab down and waited in front of Cold Storage for me and when we reached school, we realised that both of us only had fifty dollar notes. We both happily presumed that the other had change. HAHA. So I called Cat for help, like, serious SOS, and she, Jiawen and Angmian came to where we were and Jiawen ~~payed~~ paid for our cab fare. By then we were all already quite late for assembly.
Thank you very much. :]

This is tougher than a H3 Math problem sum, I really hate it. Not that I ever knew or ever will know how H3 Math is like. Never thought this would be me, doing this and being selfish and argh, just wrong. I don't know what else to say and I can't seem to put it all into words. This is when I'm speechless but I have a thousand and one thoughts in my head. (God, you know best. I really don't know what will happen and what is the best thing to do, but I know you have it all planned. I only have to walk the path you've paved for me, and put my trust in you. )

2008-08-26T17:48:00.003+08:00

I now have 841 blog posts since I started blogging when I was in secondary 2 I think? I didn't realise I blog so much!

Very very grateful for friends who stick by you no matter what.

2008-08-25T17:35:00.000+08:00

I never thought I would be anything like that (capable of hurting).

2008-08-24T18:12:00.001+08:00

I'm motivated to study harder now after what my Econs tutor told me. Had my first tuition just now. He asked me why I'm so slack. I gave him a really sheepish smile and insisted that I wasn't always so slack, and that I'm an inconsistent hardworker.

Need. To. Be. More. Hardworking. (and less of a procrastinator)

2008-08-23T20:41:00.007+08:00

Was trying the secondary phone camera again, it's really bad.

The one with nicholas looks much clearer though, I don't know why. He looks like a little korean boy.

Went to the old folks' home today because of leo. It's just walking distance from my house. Felt very overwhelmed when I was looking at all the elderly people at the tables, because it looked like almost every one of them has a sad story to tell. You know when a sudden surge of emotions well up inside you and you are just speechless?Was truly.. overwhelmed, is all I can say. I'm going to start learning how to speak Hokkien fluently. I'll force my dad to teach me. :/ Then I can communicate better with the old lady.

Started to pour heavily while cat bock and I were having lunch, and the cheng teng stall uncle kindly lent us an umbrella (because cat and I didn't bring) and we finally left the hawker centre. I always don't bring an umbrella when I'm out. I know it's bad but, oh well. Was quite late for cell though.

2008-08-22T21:47:00.004+08:00

I'll make this quick, promise : D

I'm a very insecure little girl. This is when I like to see myself as a little girl, and not as a young lady. It's one of the best things about being a teen, because you get to choose if you want to be a child or a semi adult. I like people to be around me, and I want people to stay right there, beside me and not leave me. Sometimes I become needy too, but I cover it up with multiple layers of 'it's okay' and 'i'll be perfectly fine if i don't see you'. I'm full of pride, but I'm vulnerable and needy.

I'm an easily jealous little girl, but again, I try my best to sound magnanimous because I don't want to appear needy (possessive, or petty).

I'm covered up in quite a couple of layers and if you're capable of letting me trust you enough to remove the layers one by one for you, i suppose you'd be shocked at what you truly find underneath them. I would be like a green puny gummy bear with a crossed look on its face.

Yes, a soft and squishy gummy bear. A vulnerable, soft and squishy little gummy bear.

2008-08-21T22:18:00.001+08:00

In dire need to blog !!

Went to NUS with Esti yesterday to interview a counsellor, then off to Ang Mo Kio to interview BIG's founder. It was a cool experience, really, except that the journey back home was extremely long and when I reached home it was nearing 10pm? It was all quite exhausting cos Esti and I walked alot. I was truly shagged, and I could only look at the gu wen for a while at home before I plomped my head on the table and decided I should just go. to. sleep.

Today's lunch wasn't as boring as usual cos Vivian/Mark's friend Joshua came to join us! Haha. Livened boring Thursday up a little. :D

On wednesday night I was really mad because I spent 2 hours or so trying to compile the rest of the survey data and its percentages for pw ( I HATE STARING AT NUMBERS) and then hohohohohoho the file disappeared ! It was saved under temporary files but when I went to look for it it's gone. I didn't have time last night, so I only looked for it just now. I have to redo it now. I screamed on wednesday night when I found out that the file was gone. Alone in my study room, at 3am in the morning, screaming, because all my efforts went down the drain and I was dead tired from doing it. I WAS SO ANGRY I TELL YOU.

I realised that Z and I make a perfect juvenile combination. I wonder why we still behave like we're in kindergarten sometimes. I just know it's his fault for influencing me to be so kiddish, but he insists that I started it first. NOT TRUE.

Alright shall be off now! Ta :]

2008-08-20T01:50:00.004+08:00

I know this birthday post is really belated but still,

Happy belated 17th Catherine Lau Xiao Ling / Cat / Lausy, you mean alot to me! Cheers to nearing three years (is how long we've known each other) :D and we've gone through alot together and we've seen each other change and grow in so many ways. In TA1 when I cried remember !! You were always there to comfort me and I remember how you gave me a hug during PE when we were at the basketball court because I was so upset. Plus how we went to watch bball matches together. How we used to be last in class together for math! Haha! And how we laughed at a spider on the math notes in TA1. I must say... we've been through alot.

You're really special to me. (:

2008-08-19T23:36:00.000+08:00

Mental note to self: Handle heart with care.

2008-08-16T23:25:00.005+08:00

Left before Swordexchange. At first I was like, no way am I going to leave. I'm staying !!! I memorised the verses and I really really really really really really wanted to stay with the Jo Julia Jia xinxin and the rest! Called my mum to ask her to persuade Daddy, and she agreed. But the holy spirit was nudging me to go home, like, 'go home, listen to Daddy, go home' and I suddenly thought of the verse I memorised, one of the ten commandments. Honour your father and mother. I was like, oh man, God, really..? And duh, really. So I had to leave. I felt a sense of peace after that, that I obeyed God. Usually I would be very upset, and mad at my dad. But this time was different. And Daddy was very happy, and he actually listened to me telling him about the very commandment that I obeyed.

It would have defeated the purpose if I knew the ten commandments by heart but I didn't obey them at all, what the hypocrites and the pharisees used to do? I would be no different from them.

On another note, I was experimenting with my secondary phone camera just now.

I look 5 years younger ! :D

/

When the idealist meets the realist. I wonder if I want to get used to the differences ?

2008-08-15T21:37:00.002+08:00

I was enraged by this article I read in Herworld, "My Husband Set Me On Fire". In the middle of the article, I actually had to put the magazine down because I was so angry with the jerk and I felt terribly unjust for the lady. The worst thing is, he hasn't been brought to justice, he's still out there, behaving as though he hasn't commited the crime.

Oh you mean, he's actually human? Wow, he actually has a conscience? Seriously? This is the most amazing realisation on earth.

I feel cause for women who are abused and still have to suffer in silence today, and can never comprehend men who behave in such an inhumane and bestial manner. What, just because you THINK you're stronger you DECEIVE YOURSELF INTO THINKING you can be a cruel tormentor and cowardly bully and ASSUME you can get away with it? ! ?! ?! One day, this will be brought to light and it's the most amusing joke on earth if you think you can get away with it.

What's with all the Othello-behave-alikes (He was good at the start but horrible at the end)? I'm not being a complete feminist but I hate it when women (or people in general) are oppressed and cannot do anything about it.

I HATE IT. ARGH.

2008-08-13T16:31:00.002+08:00

Writing about myself allows me to be self-indulgent for awhile, which is why I take comfort in blogging (don't we all?)

Was stressed out last night. It all started with the Econs test in the late afternoon, which I studied for but I didn't answer the questions well. I'm actually thinking of having tution. Do you know how dreadful it feels to have worked hard and realise that you still wouldn't do well enough to satisfy yourself? I hate it you know, to realise that I need someone else's help, that I can't do it by myself. I dread knowing that my best is still not good enough to get an A ? Perhaps this is why Angmian said the whole thing about only giving 80%, because you're afraid that your 100% wouldn't make you the best or it wouldn't be good enough to satisfy yourself.

I've accepted the fact that I needed tution for Math last year, but for another subject other than Math? It makes me feel.. that I'm not good enough. Not even in something that's supposed to be what I'm better at.

I'm a spoilt child, I know it. (Okay I won't use euphemisms here) It all came tumbling down on me last night when I realised how hard it was to get As for my H2s (and so be able to treat my children to Swenson's as and when they want to, to be able to finance my overseas trips and to treat myself to shopping sprees as and when I feel like it, to never have to choose to eat at the food court because it saves me money for the next meal) Does it sound far-fetched to you? Because to me, A's will determine if I land into a good university and whether or not I'm able to study the course that I want (and earn enough money)

The reality of it all hit me, and I wanted my Mum to tell me that it didn't matter and that I did not have to fret about all of this. But she agreed and here I am, still motivated to study.

I just pray that my best will be good enough to bring me to where I want to be.

2008-08-11T00:41:00.001+08:00

I know this is a bad time to blog because I haven't finished CSC, but I haven't been blogging for awhile.

Update: Lunched with Mum and Dad on Friday at Jack's Place. Radical on Friday night was wonderful. When I thought we were all tired out from the singing, it came to a point when almost everyone was jumping and clapping and everything. All out for God. :) RT was on my left and Julia was on my right. Rachel Pink was behind me. :D Sword exchange on Saturday was alright except that I have to make sure I don't forget the verses ! I have no idea why I was so nervous ! RT rubbed it all on me I guess. We kidnapped Lijia on National Day though. It sounds quite special when you say it with National Day.

And tomorrow I will be in a study marathon that Z put me into (because otherwise I would not study for long hours when I don't feel the urgency to) at the library, and I really hope I don't fall asleep. I think it's good that someone is making me study in a way. Oh well.

2008-08-07T21:55:00.004+08:00

I don't know what we were talking about just now but Dad acted like a vampire and he tried to scare me. He followed me all the way to the kitchen and I wanted to scare him too by having my arms outstretched in front of me but he completely won me because of his huge eyes and the way he was glaring at me. I did try to roar a little but I ended up laughing a lot and I was half afraid. The thing is, he was so good at acting his role that he didn't even laugh and I got freaked out. He stopped only when I was cornered near the sofa and I screamed and made quite abit of noise.

I've been trying to differentiate love from need these days, in many things that I see. I know you can't separate the two but I have mixed feelings about need. Nevermind.

It was really funny during Chinese Lit today. I'm extremely certain I heard Zhuang laoshi hum a tune all of a sudden but noone in the class reacted or laughed and I was clenching my teeth and trying my best not to laugh out loud. Angmian laughed really really hard at this huge baby on the screen. It was quite funny because it didn't look like a baby at all. In fact, his expression was as grim as his parents'.

I'm happy that there aren't any lessons tomorrow and school ends at 1030 :D And that the rain stopped in time just now so I could bring Baby out for a walk. He was drenched because he always doesn't bother to stay under shelter even when there's a heavy downpour.

I don't know why I sound a little lifeless, don't you think? I think I need lots of sleep and a good holiday to Japan or somewhere really far away, where I can do lots of shopping, have breathtaking scenary around me and also visit a farm. How nice :)

Maybe a glass of iced lemon tea would do the trick.

Need to edit my EOM. Byebye:]

2008-08-05T21:07:00.006+08:00

Today wasn't an extremely splendid day. It had some splendidness in it because Angmian, Vivian and I went to lunch at Cafe Cartel. I don't have much to write except that sometimes I look at myself and wonder what exactly I am doing. I'm still doing things I'm supposed to have stopped long ago. Habit, perhaps? A bad one though. Sometimes I'm grateful that we are so different, because it means that you don't dwell in the things I often do which can get me rather troubled. It means we have another completely different world to explore, but it also means lots of give-and-take.

I need to buck up. I ought to be more disciplined. It all seems incredulous that a year from now, we would have to aim for As. H2 subjects are Chinese Lit, English Lit and Econs. English Lit an A? How on earth?! I can only think of it being a possibility by God's grace.

2008-08-05T00:12:00.004+08:00

My mum said something amazing just now, and it actually brought tears because it was what I needed to hear. They have the ability to grow into who you envision them to be, so don't give up thinking of them as the best you've always hoped for them to be. I won't say who exactly does 'them' refer to, but it's a wonderful line and I guess I will constantly remain hopeful because of what she said about this about us.

2008-08-03T21:54:00.001+08:00

Happy 19th birthday to Z,

Photo supplied kindly by Z. I actually managed to finish it on time, by God's grace. I always thought such things were beyond me. I think she's really cute but I hope her head doesn't drop off one fine day if I'm ever not around to sew it back.

Hope he had a happy birthday today. :]

2008-07-31T00:46:00.003+08:00

I don't believe in............................. Being resigned to this helplessness. There must be something that can be done to change and make things better. I don't want to feel tired before I've even done anything for anybody. It's such a ridiculous thing, to be overwhelmed before you've even started to help? That's the worst to feel because that way, you think you don't even have the energy to prove yourself wrong, that things can change for the better, that she does not have to be resigned to this. If we ever become convinced that we cannot do anything for her, I cannot see the meaning in our paths crossing in this way.

Sometimes resignation is an awful choice. (and we can choose otherwise)

2008-07-28T20:40:00.001+08:00

Mrs Noordin said today that we had bad work ethics. How can someone entrust you with a million dollar deal in the future when you cannot finish such a simple task? It pricked and it was awful to listen to her saying that about us. I know I've not been consistent in being the student I ought to be. No wonder she said I was bright but not consistently so (sometimes I'm ~~dim~~ lazy) and I realised my teachers have been saying this about me since primary school. I think this inconsistency of mine worsened in secondary school, then even more so when I came here. I would be hardworking one moment, and slacken the next or give bad work. Would do okay for my mid years, then under perform for my end of years. At least it was what happened last year. Why can't I try to be better, all the way, throughout the year? It takes alot of energy and discipline though (which I know I ought to cultivate now, right?) But wait, I also procrastinate. Oh man.

Would love to be a consistent hardworking student, have always started the year with the resolution that I would work hard and attempt to give my best. It doesn't always work out that way though. I've never been through a year when I've given my best. But I shouldn't stop hoping that I would work hard enough one day though.

2008-07-27T13:45:00.001+08:00

I'm thankful I still have God, Bestie and Z in times of need. I've forgiven Baby. This morning I went to look at him and I realised he didn't eat much the night before. He has learnt, and I couldn't help but go forward to pat him. I'm still keeping to the detention thing that Z suggested though. I ought to be strict with him.

Last night I had a long talk with Mum. She explained to me why, and I guess the show isn't stupid, it's addictive. I should also learn to let go, just as Dad is trying to as well. When we were praying about Dad and I, I was trying to make my words audible amidst the tears. I know Mummy understood.

I took up Z's studying time last night, I know it was wrong of me. He was patient and comforting and I couldn't help but keep sobbing. It took me awhile to want to put down the phone. I know I ought to be sensible and considerate and end the call as soon as possible, but last night I felt like I didn't want to care about things like that.

Am apologetic. Will not be so selfish in the future. :/

It really helped when Bestie told me "Everything is alright now". It'll be one of my favourite lines.

2008-07-26T20:42:00.005+08:00

This is the most hilarious and absurd thing on earth. They care more about the make-believe on television than my tears. Ironic, don't you think? I hate the television and the stupid show.